Words
by Sabi's dream world
Summary: Arthur goes on a rant about Merlin, saying bad things about him to his face. He takes it a step (many steps) too far and Merlin has enough. Trigger Warning: Cutting


MERLIN POV

"How did I get stuck with someone like you?" Arthur shakes his head.

"I would blame your father for that. He's the one who assigned me to you." Merlin says light-heartedly but he immediately realizes that was a mistake.

"How dare you talk about my father like that!"

"I…I'm sorry Arthur, I didn't mean to…" Merlin apologizes.

"How dare you talk to me by my name?" Arthur continues.

"What? I always do…"

"Yes, and no matter how many times I tell you, you won't stop. How dense could you possibly be? Did your mother not raise you right?"

"What? Don't put my mother in this conversation. She is a good woman."

"If you say so. But apparently it's not something that was transferred to her offspring."

"What is wrong with you?" Merlin says angrily.

"With me? You mean what is wrong with you! I have never met someone so useless in my life!" Arthur yells.

Merlin was used to Arthur calling him useless but it was always part of their routine banter, never serious. But the way Arthur said it this time it was like he truly meant it and it stung.

"I've just realized why the people in the castle talk to you. It's not because they like you, I mean who could ever like you? Big ears, scrawny body, unwashed hair…They don't like you, they pity you! That's why they talk to you. You're truly an idiot and they talk to you to have some fun, because I'm sure they laugh at you behind your back." Arthur says this with a mean smirk and it blows all the air out of Merlin.

He isn't sure how to answer that or where any of this was coming from. He knew the battle they had been in was a close call but his men hadn't been badly wounded, so he didn't see why he was being so mean. He could smell some of the ale in Arthur's breath, but it still wasn't enough to warrant this. He had never heard Arthur say such things. Was this how he truly viewed Merlin? Did he pity him?

"Take yesterday. You tried to get out of one of your chores by lying but you couldn't even lie to save yourself. Just like you couldn't fight in a battle to save yourself. I have to save you time and time again while you just sit there hiding like the coward you are." Arthur says and that was the last straw for Merlin. His face hardens and he straightens up.

"I heard you tell Gwaine we were friends. Ha! We aren't friends. You're just a servant whom I got assigned with and can't wait to get rid of." Arthur continues.

Merlin can't breathe. He grates his teeth and takes a step back. His blood is boiling. His magic is there on the edge ready to attack because adrenaline is pumping through him.

"I'll be quick with my cleaning up of the room sire. I wouldn't want to disturb you with my presence. I'll make it easier for you to sack me, sire. Good night my lord." Merlin raises his hands and lets magic flow through him. His eyes go gold and everything in the room is cleaned up within a second and Arthur's wound is closed. He then turns around and bangs the door shut as he leaves. Once he's behind the door he lets the tears flow and runs out into the woods.

It's been a while since he's been in this little small cave. He hasn't been at the end of his rope lately, that's why. But the things Arthur said and Merlin knew he meant them, lead him here automatically. The knife is still here. He uses his magic to clean it. He sits down, still sobbing. Stretching his arm out he picks up the knife, his hand shaking as he puts the blade on his arm. Arthur's words replay in his head and with each phrase he makes a cut. He sighs, as if relieving some pain inside of him. He has to suppress his magic from healing the wounds. The clouds outside turn dark and it begins to rain. He sighs, realizing that it's his magic acting up. Lighting strikes with every gash on his arm. Eventually he falls asleep.

GAIUS POV

Gaius knocks on Arthur's chambers.

"Come in." A voice says from the other side of the door.

"Sire, I do not wish to bother you but have you seen Merlin today? He didn't come to his room last night and I haven't seen him this morning." Gaius asks worriedly.

"I haven't seen him." Arthur says tensely.

"Strange…"

"Anything else?"

"No, nothing sire…Actually…I know it isn't my place, but did something happen between the two of you?"

"No. Why would you think that?"

"I don't know…nevermind…I wish you a good day my lord." Gains bows and leaves.

ARTHUR POV

He suddenly hears a lot of commotion in the courtyard so he looks down. There were a few knights carrying a body. More specifically Merlin's body. A lump forms in Arthur's throat. He runs to Gaius' chambers to see what happened.

He walks over to Merlin's bedside.

"What happened Gaius?" he asks.

"I'm not sure. He was found in the woods in some cave." Gaius says.

That's when Arthur notices some slashes on Merlin's arms.

"What…what are those? Who would do that?" Arthur mumbles.

"Sire…it might be better if you step out while I treat Merlin." Gaius says.

"Gaius, tell me. What are those and who did them?" Arthur demands and Gaius takes a deep breath.

"I believe Merlin made those." Gaius says sadly.

"What do you mean?" Arthur frowns.

"I believe Merlin cut himself."

"Well he is clumsy but not that clumsy." Arthur says.

"No. I mean, I believe he cut himself on purpose."

Arthur frowns and just stands there while Gaius treats Merlin.

"He's lost a lot of blood." Gains mutters to himself.

"While you're here put some cold cloth on his head, he's getting a fever."

Arthur, thankful he can be of use, dips the cloth in the water and begins.

Slowly Merlin begins to open his eyes.

MERLIN POV

Merlin hears voices around him. Slowly the haze around him begins to lighten and with great strength he opens his eyes. He sees Gaius standing by his right side bandaging his arm. And then he sees Arthur on his left side put cloth on his head. At first he tries to smile but then he flinches as he starts to remember the things Arthur said.

"Get out." Merlin croaks looking at Arthur.

"Merlin?" Arthur's eyebrows rise in surprise.

"Get out." Merlin repeats.

"Merlin, you're hurt."

"I know. Get out of my sight. I don't want to see you. Get out. Now!" Merlin yells.

"Merlin, I'm the king. You can't just order me to get out." Arthur says but even to his ears it sounds wrong.

"You stopped being my king the moment you told me what you truly thought about me." Merlin says and looks away not wanting to see his face.

There's a moment of silence before he hears the door bang close.

It's days before Merlin is well enough to get some of his energy back.

"Merlin…we need to talk about this." Gaius says slowly.

"There is nothing to talk about." Merlin looks out into the distance.

"Merlin. You cut yourself, nearly died, and then told off the king!" Gaius exclaims.

"I'm fine now. And I have good news for you, I'm going to be your full-time apprentice now, as I was supposed to be when I came here." Merlin attempts to change the subject.

"What do you mean?"

"Well I no longer work for Arthur, so I'm all yours." Merlin smiles.

"He fired you?"

"Well…almost. I guess I kind of gave up my job…"

"Merlin…the two of you fight once in a while but in the end you make up. I'm sure that whatever you fought about can be resolved, just give it time, space, and talk." Gaius says emphasizing the last word.

"No. I don't want to see his face ever again." Merlin tightens his jaw.

"Merlin…"

"No, Gaius. Please. I can't. Besides…I might not be here much longer." Merlin says sadly.

"What do you mean?"

"Well…I think Arthur saw me use magic…"

"What?!" Gaius exclaims.

"There wasn't exactly time to gauge his reaction so…but once he's had time to think about it I'll be off to the pyre…or banishment…so I'm gonna pack but I won't leave until he's given me a sentence so that I know whether I should run or just go home to my mother…"

"You seem so sure he will sentence you to something."

"Of course he will. He's the king. I'm just a servant." Merlin says bitterly, Arthur's words repeating themselves in his mind.

"Merlin…you know you're more than that…"

"I used to think that…but we all learn from our mistakes." Merlin says.

Arthur comes banging on the physician's door. He sees Merlin there sitting by the table reading a book.

"And what do you think you are doing?"

Merlin stands up and bows down.

"I am reading a book sire."

"I'm not blind Merlin."

"My apologies sire, I thought you wanted to know what I was doing."

"I meant why are you reading a book?"

"Well since I am going to be the physician's full-time apprentice I want to make sure I know as much as I can, sire."

"What? You are my manservant, you don't have time to be his full-time apprentice." Arthur says indignantly.

"Oh, I thought you knew…I have relieved myself of duty to be your manservant. I know I cannot be of use to you and I wouldn't want to burden you. I have appointed George as your manservant, sire." Merlin says trying to keep his features calm but inside he's bristling.

"Is this some kind of joke?"

"Of course not, sire. I would never joke with the king unless he asked me to, sire."

"You've joked around before without being asked to." Arthur reminds him.

"That was my mistake. I did not understand my place. But I now know that my place is to be just a servant and servants do not joke around, sire. I do apologize for how I have burdened you in the past years. I will stay out of your way, sire."

Arthur's face is full of horror.

"Are you delirious? Did you lose more blood in that cave than Gaius thought?"

"No sire."

"Stop calling me that!" Arthur yells.

"Calling you what, sire?"

"Sire!"

"My apologies, my lord. Would that be more suited?"

"No! You never call me sire or my lord, only sarcastically. You call me Arthur or clot pole or prat or dollophead…"

"I understand that I made mistakes by doing so. But I will no longer burden you with my presence. I will mostly be staying in these quarters so as to avoid people's pity. I have to learn to be useful before I can go out among people. I will no longer be going into the woods, just in case I get attacked by bandits. I am a coward, sire. Is there anything you needed my lord or may I go back to reading? I have a lot of catching up to do."

Arthur just stares at him and then leaves.

A few days later Arthur comes in again.

"That's it. Are you mad at me Merlin?" Arthur asks.

"Sire. A servant is not allowed to be mad at their master."

"You didn't answer the question. And since when are you just a servant?"

"Since a week ago apparently, possibly longer, sire."

"What?"

"I am just a servant, I am useless, I am a coward, I am a terrible liar, I am ugly, I am many things such as that. I am only trying to become a better person, sire."

After a few moments understanding dawns on Arthur.

"Merlin…I didn't…I didn't mean…" Arthur stumbles over his words.

"I must go and give out these vials to the lower town, sire, so if you will excuse me." Merlin leaves Arthur standing there.

ARTHUR POV

Arthur decides to make a speech for apologizing to Merlin. He practices it in the quiet of his room. If only he knew Merlin was listening behind the door.

"We need to talk. I said some bad things to you Merlin…and I wish there was a way to take them back but there isn't. The fact that I was drunk is no excuse, I know. I was angry at my men, including you, being hurt in the battle, but I know that is no excuse either. I am ashamed at the words that came out of my mouth that day and even more so that those words are what lead you to the cave. I never thought I would be one to bring about hurt on your face and it pains me to see that I did. Merlin…you are more than just a servant to me. Always have been. You are a friend to me. I've never had friends, I don't know how it works. It scares me sometimes. And the thought that I lost you as a friend is…hard. And I know I constantly say that you are useless but it's just banter. You aren't useless. I'm not saying you are the most efficient servant there has ever been but you aren't useless. You are useful in the areas that are most important. And I don't know what spurred me on about you being pitied but you are not. You are probably the most beloved servant in all of Camelot. You care so much for everyone. And you are most definitely not a coward. I am a coward in comparison to you. All those times in battles you were fighting harder than any of us…I just didn't know…but you fought even without magic. Something other servants wouldn't do. You are not a coward. And, as much as it pains me to say, apparently you are a good liar. I wish you would have told me about your magic. But I was a prat as you say and didn't give you any reason to trust me. But you must know, somewhere deep down, that I would have never ever handed you over to my father nor now would I let any harm come to you. The thought of you being hurt…it's too much. When I realized that you cut yourself because of me…I couldn't stand it…I don't deserve to be your friend. And…you are not ugly. You are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. I love every single part of you. I wish you could understand my behaviour for what it is. I love you Merlin but I shouldn't and sometimes the only way to deal with it is to…take it out on you…Ugh, now I'm crying and you would call me a girl…because that's what I say…I don't think I'll be able to say all this to you to your face…maybe I can write down some of these apologies…except the last bit of course…you deserve someone who treats you well."

By the end Arthur has tears on his face which he quickly wipes off.

Merlin's heartbeat is racing on the other side of the door. He knows it's wrong to listen but once Arthur got started he couldn't stop listening. He also knew he would never hear a true apology from Arthur, he wasn't capable of them. But to think that Arthur accepts him with his magic and that he returns his feelings, he thinks he would explode. He runs back to his room and shuts the door. He takes calming breaths. He isn't sure what to do next but he can't stay in this cold, tense relationship with Arthur, not after he found out all that he did.

A few hours later he finds himself in front of Arthur's door and knocks.

"Come in."

He walks in but Arthur doesn't lift his head.

"Yes?" Arthur asks.

"Ehm…" Merlin says. Arthur immediately lifts his head.

"Merlin…?"

"I forgive you."

There's a milisecond of Arthur's face shining up before he school's his features.

"Forgive me? What exactly do you need to forgive me for?"

Merlin just sighs.

"Just accept it yeah? No need to go into details about how you hurt me that day, the things you said. But I understand now and so I forgive you. Plus…I lied to you about my magic so I'm not exactly you know…" Merlin says.

"I shouldn't have to forgive you for your true nature." Arthur says.

"No…but I did lie…"

"Survival instinct. We all have it."

"It was more than that…I didn't want you to hate me…"

"I could never hate you Merlin…"

"I know that now."

"So we're good?"

"Yes."

"Good. Because the stables need mucking out…"

"I figured. Though before I go do that I wanted to do one more thing." Merlin says as he walks towards Arthur. He takes Arthur's face gently in his and gently puts his lips on Arthur's.


End file.
